I’m scared of the future 

I’m scared of the future and what it holds for me… On the other hand, I can argue that it doesn’t matter, and that what really counts is that I HAVE a future. I think you can’t worry too much about the future in a way as well despite how I was raised (emphasis on the contemplation of the future). However, how much about the future do we need to worry about? What’s the elixir of life if you’re only going to worry about one aspect of the future: be it love, money, friendship, and family. I honestly should stop all this worry and anticipation…it’s the one thing that keeps me from living in the NOW as all I worry about is the future and what it holds for me. I was so certain about my future in the past (and stubborn too), but the accident in 2013 altered and defies a lot of possibilities as I find my brain injury is a boulder to the path I want to pursue. Oh f*ck…what to do except be stubborn and continue working hard until you break? Sigh…I’m a machine that never stops 0.0

Is it worth it?

Happy 2015 everyone! Well I’ve finished my exams and gotten the results…not cunning I must say :/ initially it was a break down and endless wailing, but I thought deeper to myself and said ‘I’ll try harder for my resit’. I basically passed two modules and failed two modules so it’s honestly a 50-50 chance. Question now is ‘should I change majors?’. Slowly but surely the doctors are right…for a more satisfying result I should’ve started university in 2015 and not 2014. However, there is no COMPLETE downside to things. Going back to university in 2014 I obtained independence that is ultimately priceless. I realised I like doing everything myself and I don’t like being too dependent. Things like planning your day ahead, scheduling what to eat, appointments and whatnot. I have fallen in love with university as I’m able to capably and fully rely on myself. The only problem now is academics. For the people who I love and love me back it doesn’t matter what I major in, as long as I’m alive and breathing. In the culture and society I live in, however, it matters (especially in my friend’s parents eyes in the country I’m based in). Things like: ‘my child, I know DMC girl is your friend but she had an accident…how far do you think she’ll go in life? She’s not got a law degree yet…etc.’ I’ll be honest and say it bothered me at first overhearing it, disheartened me. But how much do I need to care about EVERYONE’S opinion? I only just focus on my parents and the friends I actually should only care about who care about me. Tell myself over and over ‘they don’t know what I’ve been through…THEY are not ALLOWED to judge O.o..after my Glasgow coma I woke up initially partial blind, mute, and deaf… I was in a wheel chair for a month…I ate food with my nose (tube nutrients! I couldn’t even bite/munch!)…I’ve been through lots…this exam result? Sad, but just try harder for the resit and if you don’t pass its not meant to be and there are many other things I the world I haven’t seen/experience… Don’t throw it all away for a law degree… DMC girl… You know and experienced better… Make this year worth it and live it. Don’t be rash or throw things away… You’ve dealt with a lot of things… Deal with this too…XO you’re worth the money spent on law initially, if you changed you major to something else it’s not the end :) 

Trust me, it’s really up to you on how you perceive things

Life is a real journey. Whether it be easy or hard, there’s no way around it. If you really want to escape it, you can die or dream. Better yet, you can perceive things differently.Honestly, I’m not sure why I didn’t think of this earlier. Everything from my point of view is a big situation to grasp; when only, it could be as simple as ashes rising from an erupted volcano. I’m not sure sometimes. I talked to my family today and talked about how sad I was about my grade. It was not high enough to my own expectations. The fact that I passed after coming back from brain injury did not occur to me. I would think to myself ‘you’re too stupid, DMC girl’. Then I’m blessed to have one of my family remind me that everything has it’s trial and errors. It’s good enough that I tried. I didn’t fail but it’s just not how I perceived things to be. Not how I wanted it to stir. Not the right pot of tea. Without a doubt, I need to remind myself of what I’ve achieved in my 19 years of living. It’s not only the academic perspective that irked me. It’s changes yet again. Inevitable changes. Some are good changes and some aren’t. I find myself very busy with life in general. I could allocate time for certain things, but I’ve put some things on first priority. I’ve told some truth and likewise. Similar to other human, I’m full of flaws. Nonetheless, I try I try. I drop down to the ground and yet, I would learn to pick myself back up and walk back on the difficult path in life. Never said it was easy, but that just makes life more worth it. A lot of what I say in natural conversations can at times be coded. That’s me, a girl to decode and decipher. Of all the difficulties I’ve faced in life I realised one thing is perception. Life is really how you perceive things. You can lose a friend and be depressed about it, or think to yourself ‘it’s for the better, this was meant to be and I don’t need to decode anything asking myself ‘WHY’. I’ve learnt more about myself and that friend. Everyday is a new day to further define and learn about myself.’ -This is the kind of perception you want in your mind. A healthy and positive one. Don’t even waste 20 seconds sad or depressed about anything. If anything, learn from it and persevere with what’s worth your while doing.

Trying to figure things out

I haven’t written on this blog for sometime due to my busy university life that I’m quite surprisingly happy about. I am depressed/irked/irritated about some other things though. That one thing that’s been dominating my mind is…whether I’ll pass this law course or not. To be frank, I really like law so so much but I’ve got to accept that I have brain injury and that it effects a LOT of things. Thing is though, I’m finding it hard to grasp the fact and accept. I sacrificed 2014 summer to study the basic essentials of law from my great friend. I did so so much over the past weeks. I got a paper cut because I bought 4 posters from a stationery shop so I’d be able to revise everyday for 10 minutes before I head out to do anything. I’ve put all this hard work and I hope for the best. I have a concept to adhere to. I have a dream. In high school, because my american school made me fall in love with debating…I wanted to study law. I had doubts at first. I was perhaps too dumb to study law because I bet all the people around me think I am dumb. So it was just a dream but I reached it. I reached to majoring in law. Now the problem is, passing the degree. I want to pass the degree and make it high so that I will have the capabilities to do something for the poor and the ones in need. It’s always been my dream to help others with what I love doing most. It really breaks me to pieces these days to know that there’s a possibility that this dream of mine may crumble in front of my eyes. What I love doing and my dream may not combine together as one and fight one another. I don’t want that. I’ve worked this hard to get to this stage today that I don’t want a setback. Getting my degree may be the greatest thing or the one thing that rips me apart. Either way I’ve got to try my utmost best. I have tried and it’s fair to say that trying so hard has made my brain dizzy a few times, making me very susceptible to going back to the hospital. Now I’m drinking this healthy flower herb drink to give me assurance of my health, but is it enough? Should I major in something else even with my unwavering love for law?

You kinda wish for a change…

Some things you’ve done so, can’t be taken back. You learn from it, take action if you wish for a change. I’m in university now and blissful about some things and irked about others. However, I stop to remind myself when in difficulty…Again and again: “DMC girl, you made it this far and I am very proud of you. Nothing, NOTHING should push you down! Not even 0.1%!” After life alone in university for a month and so forth, I have some realisations and whatnot. Some are good and some not so. Whatever this part of my life is doing to me, I think it’s good. Good to have some new revelations about some things and whatnot. I’m finally not living in my ‘WHAT IF’ world. Being in my home-based country wondering about my friends in England. Being in England and wondering about the friends I’ve made in all 4 countries which I’ve lived in. Actual truth, I realised how much I wanted a change…in everything positively. I realised my fears of random things have escalated. I don’t show it but the scent of fear is all over me and the fear-eater can smell it from afar. Honestly, after some weeks of lectures, I love it. I have my own difficulties but it doesn’t compare to what I’ve achieved from last year rehab. I have worked so hard to get to a level, so I don’t wish to have a set back. My mindset changed so so much. I realised how much my mindset changed by staying in England, haha! There are good and bad things I would’ve wished to change or alter but for that to happen I must take action. Screw it though… I don’t think I have the time to go for a massive change this year because I need to settle in. Perhaps next year I shall enforce a change! I have no idea… :) that’s the beauty with life. Half of the surprises and actions you do is a surprise or whatnot in life. You are clueless about everything in life. Right now, it’s just a matter of getting some debate off my mind and settling in so I get my answers. :)

Believe

Thing is, after what happened to me…of the many things I realised was quite missing in me is BELIEVING in myself. Today I had a argument with my parents, two very important people in my life. Then I took a bath and realised I quite forgot what the hell the argument was about. It took me quite a while to remember, it took me EFFORT. What was the argument about? How did it start? How did it escalate to this stage? I hate arguments with family. Once, before the end of high school I met someone that got me in quite an amount of arguments with my family. Thinking back now, I got rid of that person (in my life) for once and for all just to not get into that much arguments with my family. This goes to show how important my family is. (As well as friends!) Thing is, everyone gets into an argument that escalates to the most ridiculous situations. However, it gets a bit ridiculous when we look back at it and forget where the root of the argument is from. I hate that. We all get into arguments with people we love so much but we fail to see the bigger picture in the end: what this argument is about (Where’s the root?) and what the point of arguing with someone that also loves us in return (until the point it endangers the relationship)? Thing is, we fight (hate) and we love. By the end of arguments I think of how much I actually do love my parents. My parents are always there for me and I will always learn one step faster because of their guidance (even naggings!). Though at times they can be a bit harsh, they only mean nothing but well. I think of the time when I was bullied as being the weird kid in primary school and how my parents believed it when I said ‘Literally, I’m going to punch them tomorrow if they don’t stop’. My parents looked at each other in fear knowing that I’m a kid who associates anger with a punched pillow at home. My parents then said the wisest words to me ever: ‘Don’t punch, use words. Don’t use your fist to talk because you’re not a barbarian, you need to use words to learn to attack. Since you’re a kid who moved around different countries so much and have great insights, use words to express and make us as well as your future self proud in the future.’ They are right. In the end, I moved to an American school where I learnt to express myself in words (speech aloud! Finally so easy and not ever really nervous to present! ;) ) and not writing only (I used to write and hide expressing myself!) Haha, I realised after going to an American and British school is that they both emphasise on speech and writing but American more on speech and Britain more on writing ;) Both have impeccable beauty! In the end I learnt the best in both at both schools/system!). I’m nervous as heck about school and whatnot, honestly not much confidence, but my friend yesterday quite changed it. She said ‘self-efficient! Believe in yourself when you have been through so much!’ The more I thought about it the more right she was. I need to believe so much. Like my sister said ‘Most believe you can go back to school this year! It’s just you thats doubting so much like your life is over.’ I then thought to myself, my sister is right. I’m the only person who literally criticises myself and doesn’t believe in me when people do. That itself, brought the memory back on the importance of believe in my rehab centre. I had my therapists in the second-last hospital who believed I didn’t need the wheelchair anymore and that I should leave it to people who REALLY need it. That time I thought, WHAT IS THIS? I NEED IT!! However, I thought deeper and realised ‘Wait, my therapists/coach/trainer believed in me. What’s stopping me from getting out of the wheelchair is myself because I think ‘I can’t do it.’ Then I did it! I walked around everywhere without needing a wheelchair and now I jog everyday (Finished jogging just now for today!). It’s honestly more than I can ever hope for! Believe in yourself :) My believe will start again today :) (Actually, it should start when I received my PSAT test back as I was hoping for a 800/900 over 2,400 and got 1,000 hundreds of something with no preparation or touching of ANYTHING academic for half a year! :) ! Better than I hoped for! Wow! ) In the end, the point and stories of this whole post is to BELIEVE in yourself. Sometimes in the midst of loving someone so much, we forget that WE also matter. Do yourself a favour, and believe in yourself….love yourself!

Maturity

Honestly, maturity can’t be measured. Just because I was in the hospital for half a year and had an accident doesn’t mean anything. I’m just 19 and I haven’t even had any kids. Sure the things I see in the hospital makes a big difference in my maturity level. For instance, after the family of the patient across my bed went back home I saw the patient cry to herself secretly even though she was so delighted the whole time the family was there talking to her. It’s sad but it’s what I saw a lot of patients do in that half a year, the grandma+grandpa cries secretly to themselves after their descendants left. This is them trying to be strong and keep the loved ones happy. This gave me a motivation to fabricate my truth for the people I love so much. I love my mother, who came to visit me in the hospital everyday until it was time to go. Each time she left by my bedside I cried silently to myself to sleep. I have been sleeping on my bed at night in the hospital, scared and horrified every night for half a year now and I can say quite surely that I have matured in certain ways. Though I don’t need this experience, I can say that this nightmare gave me more gladness and understanding of making my loved ones happy :) I’m glad I appreciate everything more and wouldn’t take this experience back because it taught me a lot. The ugly face of truth is always there in your face and reality attacks you, sometimes with beauty and sometimes just plain ugly :( To conquer them all is to live and to be glad. Never take anything for granted and make each moment count. Everyday is your day :) X