Yes it’s dmc girl here and I’m irked (when am I not?). Honestly my whole life is satisfying and fulfilling enough and I actually remember some stuff or realized some stuff when I went to Germany. Except that is another discrete thing between me and me. I think I’m happy I realized except I’m going to always keep it my special little thing (finally)! And I’m happy to say I have let go of certain things :) I actually don’t know what to think being on the newspaper, only my area of Uni will know what on earth is going on, other than that I have to go back to that area and lead a normal life. I already rejected the offers from the famous media of tv interview as well as the free travel offers from yeah. I suppose mail me or something if you’re confused yet again but make sure to tell me who you are. If you guys are having trouble finding my email (as stated by a reader, it’s: firstname.lastname@example.org)
I sat waiting nearby the reception for ‘patient information concerns’ but what concerns me is the piercing silence ringing in my ears. I never thought this feeling of fear can engulf me at such a young age of 18 where everything doesn’t actually start, but something happens. Everyday I pray to something, a higher force to please help me and erase my patient identity. I haven’t started university or met the love of my life, let alone live a long and complete life but I was diagnosed with lung cancer 19 months ago. This is why I have trouble breathing most of the time. A lot of times, people drag that look of empathy and pity onto me and I ignore it but it honestly bothers me. Not that I can blame others for their well-meaningful concern but I already have cancer to worry about. No need to worry about how to make myself look fine and blissful so other people won’t need to only pity me. This joyous mask I have on everyday is honestly pitiful as it reminds me of a beautiful rose with thorns. You’d think the rose was harmless because on the surface it looks so beautiful and flawless; however, when you hold the rest of the rose you get pricked by it’s thorns. Only then do you realize how pitiful and deceiving life can be. Everything looks fine from a bird’s eye view, but nothing can be perfect and beautiful because everything has an ugly side. It’s just like when I was a child, I looked innocent and gullible. However, at an older age of 18 now I’m diagnosed with lung cancer. I’ve been through treatment and whatnot but lung cancer can’t be completely cured because you’re born with it and you die with it. I have a friend who got into a car accident and I think she’s lucky because a lot of things can help her and she’s back on her feet. As for me, I just need to live my life and wait for the moment of death which is going to consume me. I’m in America now, and Los Angeles is beautiful, particularly with the scorching sun. What I failed to understand when I was younger, is that I will die at 18 and that life is short. I honestly want to age older. Even though I know people don’t desire this and want to stay young forever, I want to live a full life. I want to give myself plenty of chances to fulfill what I want. Though this is what I want, my lungs failed me because I only have a month to live. I wish to have already started university but I haven’t. Even if I had I wouldn’t know what to major in. I’d opt for New York University and stay with my parents as an only child. Here, I’m an only child to the grandparents I’m living with. I want a sister or brother but I don’t have one. I’m the only boy child in the family who can barely do anything because of my lung cancer. I’m also a boy with high hopes and dreams. In a month, my 18 years of living will be for nothing because I’m already dead. The only thing that keeps me going now is to make a bucket list before I die. I hope that it’s like my friend’s bucket list because her’s is so immaculate that it’s quite insane.
You’re either brave or stupid to do something out of your boundaries. Last time in this blog I mentioned about my accident and it hurts. I thought I would never tell anyone but alas I did. Anyway, I’m glad I did and got some support. What irks me now is something else. I am in Hong Kong now and I do actually miss my friends all around the world (without a doubt liverpool as well! ). From staying in hk I found my friendship book with this girl I love lots from Germany. Now I’m only 19 but I realized how precious each certain moment is. I guess I do regret not hugging my friends more and making them promise to be my siblings. I’m strange in a way and there’s this friend who can’t figure me out as I apparently surprise people (but more importantly I surprise myself!) Well I’m just saying that if any y’all can’t figure me out just ask the question directly because you’re not gonna sit there and receive any answers. I almost died, so any questions would probably be answered to some degree. I was younger than 19 once and I wished to grow up faster. How silly I was. When I’m this much older, I realize only too many things and it bothers me . Understanding and maturing more can be a torture sometimes. This accident I have to thank in a way because you only realize the true people who do give a crap about you and those who don’t. I’m disappointed in many aspects. I thought this person was important to me because that person is what I consider a best friend from knowing each other since primary school, but no. I hear not much. This, I tell myself, is the priceless truth that you only realize and get as someone who partially died in the accident. At first I was bothered but honestly why should I give a thought if that thought won’t affect me my whole life? Why should I waste my time disliking or hating? That’s honestly a waste of time by disliking and hating because I should just honestly just focus on myself and love myself ultra more. I should honestly just be happy that I was shown the priceless truth. Though it’s an arrow through the heart, I’ve got to face it because I’m not in my imagination dream world. I’m in reality, where there are numerous of beautiful and ugly things in the world. I have to accept that, because no matter how I try to deny it, reality will stay in front of me and I can’t completely push it away no matter how hard I try.
So I haven’t written on this blog for a long time but first of all I thank you all for the emails and support. Sorry for the lack of replies. I haven’t been able to go on wordpress even once because I had a car accident. A car hit me and I became really disabled, partially mute and blind for a while with a broken metal leg now. However I realized a lot of things when this happened I suppose it’s like a wake up call but a harsh one because the driver didn’t compensate. Basically I have been suffering and my life was in danger. Doctors didn’t know whether I will live or die but I lived and persevered! So that’s good I suppose! I’m going to be discharged soon, so many changes in such a short amount of time. My short unconsciousness really made me reflect on a lot of things and made me understand the malevolent side of gossiping and life . Basically I’m sure someone did gossip without a hint of morals but I don’t mind too much only because I’m a hundred percent sure there is karma getting back at the person. (According to many doctors I’m supposed to die but didn’t and I’m supposed to be in a wheelchair, blind and mute but I made it through so sucks for the gossiper). The key here to survive and keep your head above water is to be persistent/persevere with what you do! For me it’s not giving up haha! Now I’m in a place near my dorm and pondering on my life and it’s image if this accident hadn’t happened but the ugly truth is that it did, and I have to accept it instead of deny it. Sure it’s not pleasant but I’m sure in years time I’ll be able to understand where the root or stem of all this is coming from and what I’ve learnt. When I’m hurt, all I desired to do further is to help teach the children who don’t know English, English haha I have so many opportunities and things received that it’s hard to also accept that others didn’t get the opportunities I had. Sure I may be in tears every night and irked by the amount of fakes, I think. Though, thing is I can’t dwell on the negatives because I’d rather focus on the positives. At least I’m given a chance to heal because some people’s injury stay stagnant but I get another chance. As hard as it is, I never paused at the thought of working hard. I’ve always worked hard to get to where I want and this time I want to try a million times harder. Life’s a puzzle and now I struggle to solve it, I’m 19 but I thought I’m going to die 18 so I guess I need to appreciate my age more. Today I have a friend who visited me in the hospital and it’s honestly nice to see him again as well as my dorm mates. The ugly face of truth will always be up onto my face but I have to accept the fact and move on. My friends and family have been very supportive :) there was a time my memory didn’t function as well as today, I thought I was abandoned by everyone and cried during my critical stage. (Haha silly me but true). Sure this will definitely be a story to tell for my grand kids but the moral of this story? Up to you. This is definitely one of the high points of life on a plot graph because it made me understand and open my eyes to a lot. Basically I need to thank everyone, particularly the ones who visited me and messaged me with good will :) it means the world to me, changed my perception of some things and I honestly wish them well :) xxx to them or you know who you are
(sister on left and me on the right) :)
Time really flies and before you know it you’re climbing up to the next episode in your life.
Last time in this blog I mentioned how anxious I was about my universities and my choices. To be honest, I have been through a lot in these past few months from Jan 2013 to Sept.
They say that your life becomes more solid and clear as you age. I think that’s true. I realized with everything I have been through that in the end what matters is what you make of it. Right now, I am packing to go to university and sadly beginning to say goodbyes to my loved ones. So much changed in such a short amount of time. My friends, family, and most importantly: me.
Now I am more sure and secure than ever. My real friends, my new found morals and myself. I want to be happy and I believe I have found a way to it. I am constantly working for it and pushing myself to improve. I want to thank everyone who has been there for me in my life. Especially the ones who never failed to be there for me in my most critical stages.
Going to university I know that I will make more mistakes and learn more (good and bad) things.
Just remember, no matter what you are going through now the most important thing is not to sweat the small stuff and see the bigger picture because in the end, the most important thing is what you make of what happens(ed). It may be a good or bad situation you are in now but make a good thing come out of it. You won’t regret it. :)
I’m happy I pushed, aimed and stayed strong.
I am where I am now, starting a new chapter in my life and wanting to thank you all for the support here :)
I’d say we all make mistakes that we wish to take back or forget right? DONT.
It’s what made us who we are today.
I have recently graduated and gave much thought about my past.
Here are my confessions:
-I have no idea what to do with my life…the 4 offers I received from universities? Meant nothing to me because I have so many doubts
-I am irked by the amount of fake friends
-I am lost
-I might just have more passion for art than law (and I applied for law course in university!)
As mentioned above, these are some of the things about my life that that I didn’t dare admit and have bothered me. However, what I have come to realize is far more important. It is enough to conquer all my problems :)
Yes. Simple isn’t it?
When life is in a turmoil, when all else goes down…..breathe.
I am encouraging you to MAKE mistakes and make room for self-improvement.
There is no such thing as perfection because where would you make room for improvement?
Face the consequences of your actions.
DON’T runaway….your problems will only resurface…there is actually more solutions out there than you think!
I think I have made so much mistakes that numbers can even make up for it…but! I’m glad.
At least I know I’m making progress in improving myself as a person…MATURING and actually GROWING UP (children…don’t be fooled!! Growing up can suck…)
To all you out there bothered by something that causes you to stay awake tonight…I ask you to breathe….and don’t regret but treat your mistakes as a lesson :)
I hope all goes well with everyone :) If you have problems I would be glad to listen! Just inbox me! Sometimes all it takes to feel better is to share half your burden :)
The process of drawing this:
This is a moment in time I’ve captured to show you all out there how I cope with my troubled times :)
I’ve always had a habit when I’m feeling especially down.
Drawing and Running = Therapeutic
Especially drawing! It makes me see another dimension.
:) Please enjoy :)
P.S Watch it in HD or 720p on youtube! :D