Believe

Thing is, after what happened to me…of the many things I realised was quite missing in me is BELIEVING in myself. Today I had a argument with my parents, two very important people in my life. Then I took a bath and realised I quite forgot what the hell the argument was about. It took me quite a while to remember, it took me EFFORT. What was the argument about? How did it start? How did it escalate to this stage? I hate arguments with family. Once, before the end of high school I met someone that got me in quite an amount of arguments with my family. Thinking back now, I got rid of that person (in my life) for once and for all just to not get into that much arguments with my family. This goes to show how important my family is. (As well as friends!) Thing is, everyone gets into an argument that escalates to the most ridiculous situations. However, it gets a bit ridiculous when we look back at it and forget where the root of the argument is from. I hate that. We all get into arguments with people we love so much but we fail to see the bigger picture in the end: what this argument is about (Where’s the root?) and what the point of arguing with someone that also loves us in return (until the point it endangers the relationship)? Thing is, we fight (hate) and we love. By the end of arguments I think of how much I actually do love my parents. My parents are always there for me and I will always learn one step faster because of their guidance (even naggings!). Though at times they can be a bit harsh, they only mean nothing but well. I think of the time when I was bullied as being the weird kid in primary school and how my parents believed it when I said ‘Literally, I’m going to punch them tomorrow if they don’t stop’. My parents looked at each other in fear knowing that I’m a kid who associates anger with a punched pillow at home. My parents then said the wisest words to me ever: ‘Don’t punch, use words. Don’t use your fist to talk because you’re not a barbarian, you need to use words to learn to attack. Since you’re a kid who moved around different countries so much and have great insights, use words to express and make us as well as your future self proud in the future.’ They are right. In the end, I moved to an American school where I learnt to express myself in words (speech aloud! Finally so easy and not ever really nervous to present! ;) ) and not writing only (I used to write and hide expressing myself!) Haha, I realised after going to an American and British school is that they both emphasise on speech and writing but American more on speech and Britain more on writing ;) Both have impeccable beauty! In the end I learnt the best in both at both schools/system!). I’m nervous as heck about school and whatnot, honestly not much confidence, but my friend yesterday quite changed it. She said ‘self-efficient! Believe in yourself when you have been through so much!’ The more I thought about it the more right she was. I need to believe so much. Like my sister said ‘Most believe you can go back to school this year! It’s just you thats doubting so much like your life is over.’ I then thought to myself, my sister is right. I’m the only person who literally criticises myself and doesn’t believe in me when people do. That itself, brought the memory back on the importance of believe in my rehab centre. I had my therapists in the second-last hospital who believed I didn’t need the wheelchair anymore and that I should leave it to people who REALLY need it. That time I thought, WHAT IS THIS? I NEED IT!! However, I thought deeper and realised ‘Wait, my therapists/coach/trainer believed in me. What’s stopping me from getting out of the wheelchair is myself because I think ‘I can’t do it.’ Then I did it! I walked around everywhere without needing a wheelchair and now I jog everyday (Finished jogging just now for today!). It’s honestly more than I can ever hope for! Believe in yourself :) My believe will start again today :) (Actually, it should start when I received my PSAT test back as I was hoping for a 800/900 over 2,400 and got 1,000 hundreds of something with no preparation or touching of ANYTHING academic for half a year! :) ! Better than I hoped for! Wow! ) In the end, the point and stories of this whole post is to BELIEVE in yourself. Sometimes in the midst of loving someone so much, we forget that WE also matter. Do yourself a favour, and believe in yourself….love yourself!

Maturity

Honestly, maturity can’t be measured. Just because I was in the hospital for half a year and had an accident doesn’t mean anything. I’m just 19 and I haven’t even had any kids. Sure the things I see in the hospital makes a big difference in my maturity level. For instance, after the family of the patient across my bed went back home I saw the patient cry to herself secretly even though she was so delighted the whole time the family was there talking to her. It’s sad but it’s what I saw a lot of patients do in that half a year, the grandma+grandpa cries secretly to themselves after their descendants left. This is them trying to be strong and keep the loved ones happy. This gave me a motivation to fabricate my truth for the people I love so much. I love my mother, who came to visit me in the hospital everyday until it was time to go. Each time she left by my bedside I cried silently to myself to sleep. I have been sleeping on my bed at night in the hospital, scared and horrified every night for half a year now and I can say quite surely that I have matured in certain ways. Though I don’t need this experience, I can say that this nightmare gave me more gladness and understanding of making my loved ones happy :) I’m glad I appreciate everything more and wouldn’t take this experience back because it taught me a lot. The ugly face of truth is always there in your face and reality attacks you, sometimes with beauty and sometimes just plain ugly :( To conquer them all is to live and to be glad. Never take anything for granted and make each moment count. Everyday is your day :) X

Help Me?

I’m not sure about anything anymore.

This has been on my mind for quite a while now but I’m posting this today because I want to get it out of my system. Basically after going to Malaysia and Thailand for holiday in the easter, I came back to HK to do a S.A.T exam to see how I deal with tests. It went better than expected, to say the truth. I got 1000 and hundreds something over two thousand four hundred :) Sure, I had better results when I was studying in my American school (1900+ ;) ) but this is me today who hasn’t touched anything academic for 6 months of sleeping in the hospital! I’m pretty impressed and surprised with myself because before the result, I told myself that ‘DMCgirl, you’d be lucky if you got 900 or 800 over 2,400′. The thing is, I exceeded that score and I surprisingly hate it because it confuses me more. It shows I can handle my academics well and whatnot. This makes me mad because the possibility of going to school this year has grown wider. I really don’t know what to do. I think going to school this year is good because my academics in my last year of high school stuff is just last year and if i go back to university this year it’ll be like gap year and I can still handle it pretty good. Going next year to university MIGHT just be the death of me. I’m not too sure. On top of that, after the results came out my parents discussed with me about school next year and it horrifies me because I’m not too sure if I can honestly handle the prospect of going to school next year THAT good. I look at my pair of wrists and judging from my patience of moving to more than 5 hospitals+, I cut myself in the second last hospital. I tried to strangle myself and cut myself because i didn’t want to feel anymore. I was learning to walk at 18 and was looking at other people in admiration of the amount of things they can do. For example, people squatting down to pick something up is weird and not normal for me because I can’t squat, it’s hard (now it’s just like a piece of cake! too easy!!). I really don’t know what to do because everything points to this year, including academic and emotional aspects. Last two weeks, I was angry about the prospect of going to school next year. Thus, when I heard my parents talk about it even after the results :( so I was thinking of going back home to cry in my Mom’s arms and complain endlessly (A waste of time really, I ought to do what I did in my second last hospital! Finish swimming=Tired till the death of me, but still walk inside the hospital 50 laps because I want to work hard to heal :) ). However, I didn’t do that and I when I got home, I distracted myself by doing my Law notes (Hard-worker yet again :) ). (Also thought to myself that memorising will be trouble for me but I will read the law books three times each if I have to, even though the books are at the least 500 pages long!!) This, is amazing for me and shows that if I were to honestly go back to university this year I can handle emotional problems alright! Nonetheless, there are still pros and cons about going to university next year as well as this year. I really don’t know what to do again! (as repetitive as this sounds!) I just also can’t believe that I have to pass a doctor’s test and have him write a note that ‘DMCgirl is fine and can go back to university’ ! I think if he did write a note for this year I’d honestly be eternally grateful to him + appreciate as well as work harder for my Law major. Think about it! I have to pass my I.B diploma (each subject chosen is like compling half of a course in university haha so it’s 3 courses for me ;) ) , pass my life or death period in the ICU (But I made it alive even though it wasn’t certain whether I’ll die), pass my coma and wake up, remember everything before me coming to university (which I did remember and it surprised a lot of doctors :) ), pass my rehab (which I did thats why I get to fly around as well as go home!), and NOW I have to get a doctor’s note/approval of going back to school this year! WHY would I waste any time in university?! Sure I’ll have fun and study, but most importantly I’ll learn to manage my time better individually. :) All positive aspects points to this year and I’ll say to everyone out there ‘appreciate what you have’. After my short period of being partially blind, partially mute, and not being able to walk for a month (wheelchair for a month). Never had I needed to beg…BEG to go to school this year. Never was I so eager to study. Without a doubt, all these obstacles stopping me to go a more normal route in life has given me a better perspective of life and how to further appreciate it. Now I’m grateful that I got to make it this far in recovery thanks to the doctors, therapists, nurses, friends, and families <3 . I have a laptop to express my thoughts to the world through the internet. I have amazing friends that never failed to be there for me. I have amazing families that stick by me no matter what. I have a home in Hong Kong. I have people I love from all around the world. I have a T.V. I have my basic necessities and even though I have a metal leg, I AM DMCgirl and I have myself as well as things that people can’t take away from me. :) Though I don’t know about going to school this year or next year, my biggest wish is to be able to help donate my OWN MONEY I make in the future and donate it to those in need more than me :) <3

Thanks for taking the time to read, I love you all :)

Now it’s me

Yes it’s dmc girl here and I’m irked (when am I not?). Honestly my whole life is satisfying and fulfilling enough and I actually remember some stuff or realized some stuff when I went to Germany. Except that is another discrete thing between me and me. I think I’m happy I realized except I’m going to always keep it my special little thing (finally)! And I’m happy to say I have let go of certain things :) I actually don’t know what to think being on the newspaper, only my area of Uni will know what on earth is going on, other than that I have to go back to that area and lead a normal life. I already rejected the offers from the famous media of tv interview as well as the free travel offers from yeah. I suppose mail me or something if you’re confused yet again but make sure to tell me who you are. If you guys are having trouble finding my email (as stated by a reader, it’s: yuanshin13@hotmail.com)

A fiction story about a boy, not me

I sat waiting nearby the reception for ‘patient information concerns’ but what concerns me is the piercing silence ringing in my ears. I never thought this feeling of fear can engulf me at such a young age of 18 where everything doesn’t actually start, but something happens. Everyday I pray to something, a higher force to please help me and erase my patient identity. I haven’t started university or met the love of my life, let alone live a long and complete life but I was diagnosed with lung cancer 19 months ago. This is why I have trouble breathing most of the time. A lot of times, people drag that look of empathy and pity onto me and I ignore it but it honestly bothers me. Not that I can blame others for their well-meaningful concern but I already have cancer to worry about. No need to worry about how to make myself look fine and blissful so other people won’t need to only pity me. This joyous mask I have on everyday is honestly pitiful as it reminds me of a beautiful rose with thorns. You’d think the rose was harmless because on the surface it looks so beautiful and flawless; however, when you hold the rest of the rose you get pricked by it’s thorns. Only then do you realize how pitiful and deceiving life can be. Everything looks fine from a bird’s eye view, but nothing can be perfect and beautiful because everything has an ugly side. It’s just like when I was a child, I looked innocent and gullible. However, at an older age of 18 now I’m diagnosed with lung cancer. I’ve been through treatment and whatnot but lung cancer can’t be completely cured because you’re born with it and you die with it. I have a friend who got into a car accident and I think she’s lucky because a lot of things can help her and she’s back on her feet. As for me, I just need to live my life and wait for the moment of death which is going to consume me. I’m in America now, and Los Angeles is beautiful, particularly with the scorching sun. What I failed to understand when I was younger, is that I will die at 18 and that life is short. I honestly want to age older. Even though I know people don’t desire this and want to stay young forever, I want to live a full life. I want to give myself plenty of chances to fulfill what I want. Though this is what I want, my lungs failed me because I only have a month to live. I wish to have already started university but I haven’t. Even if I had I wouldn’t know what to major in. I’d opt for New York University and stay with my parents as an only child. Here, I’m an only child to the grandparents I’m living with. I want a sister or brother but I don’t have one. I’m the only boy child in the family who can barely do anything because of my lung cancer. I’m also a boy with high hopes and dreams. In a month, my 18 years of living will be for nothing because I’m already dead. The only thing that keeps me going now is to make a bucket list before I die. I hope that it’s like my friend’s bucket list because her’s is so immaculate that it’s quite insane.

You’re either brave or stupid

You’re either brave or stupid to do something out of your boundaries. Last time in this blog I mentioned about my accident and it hurts. I thought I would never tell anyone but alas I did. Anyway, I’m glad I did and got some support. What irks me now is something else. I am in Hong Kong now and I do actually miss my friends all around the world (without a doubt liverpool as well! ). From staying in hk I found my friendship book with this girl I love lots from Germany. Now I’m only 19 but I realized how precious each certain moment is. I guess I do regret not hugging my friends more and making them promise to be my siblings. I’m strange in a way and there’s this friend who can’t figure me out as I apparently surprise people (but more importantly I surprise myself!) Well I’m just saying that if any y’all can’t figure me out just ask the question directly because you’re not gonna sit there and receive any answers. I almost died, so any questions would probably be answered to some degree. I was younger than 19 once and I wished to grow up faster. How silly I was. When I’m this much older, I realize only too many things and it bothers me . Understanding and maturing more can be a torture sometimes. This accident I have to thank in a way because you only realize the true people who do give a crap about you and those who don’t. I’m disappointed in many aspects. I thought this person was important to me because that person is what I consider a best friend from knowing each other since primary school, but no. I hear not much. This, I tell myself, is the priceless truth that you only realize and get as someone who partially died in the accident. At first I was bothered but honestly why should I give a thought if that thought won’t affect me my whole life? Why should I waste my time disliking or hating? That’s honestly a waste of time by disliking and hating because I should just honestly just focus on myself and love myself ultra more. I should honestly just be happy that I was shown the priceless truth. Though it’s an arrow through the heart, I’ve got to face it because I’m not in my imagination dream world. I’m in reality, where there are numerous of beautiful and ugly things in the world. I have to accept that, because no matter how I try to deny it, reality will stay in front of me and I can’t completely push it away no matter how hard I try.

Beginning of something new

So I haven’t written on this blog for a long time but first of all I thank you all for the emails and support. Sorry for the lack of replies. I haven’t been able to go on wordpress even once because I had a car accident. A car hit me and I became really disabled, partially mute and blind for a while with a broken metal leg now. However I realized a lot of things when this happened I suppose it’s like a wake up call but a harsh one because the driver didn’t compensate. Basically I have been suffering and my life was in danger. Doctors didn’t know whether I will live or die but I lived and persevered! So that’s good I suppose! I’m going to be discharged soon, so many changes in such a short amount of time. My short unconsciousness really made me reflect on a lot of things and made me understand the malevolent side of gossiping and life . Basically I’m sure someone did gossip without a hint of morals but I don’t mind too much only because I’m a hundred percent sure there is karma getting back at the person. (According to many doctors I’m supposed to die but didn’t and I’m supposed to be in a wheelchair, blind and mute but I made it through so sucks for the gossiper). The key here to survive and keep your head above water is to be persistent/persevere with what you do! For me it’s not giving up haha! Now I’m in a place near my dorm and pondering on my life and it’s image if this accident hadn’t happened but the ugly truth is that it did, and I have to accept it instead of deny it. Sure it’s not pleasant but I’m sure in years time I’ll be able to understand where the root or stem of all this is coming from and what I’ve learnt. When I’m hurt, all I desired to do further is to help teach the children who don’t know English, English haha I have so many opportunities and things received that it’s hard to also accept that others didn’t get the opportunities I had. Sure I may be in tears every night and irked by the amount of fakes, I think. Though, thing is I can’t dwell on the negatives because I’d rather focus on the positives. At least I’m given a chance to heal because some people’s injury stay stagnant but I get another chance. As hard as it is, I never paused at the thought of working hard. I’ve always worked hard to get to where I want and this time I want to try a million times harder. Life’s a puzzle and now I struggle to solve it, I’m 19 but I thought I’m going to die 18 so I guess I need to appreciate my age more. Today I have a friend who visited me in the hospital and it’s honestly nice to see him again as well as my dorm mates. The ugly face of truth will always be up onto my face but I have to accept the fact and move on. My friends and family have been very supportive :) there was a time my memory didn’t function as well as today, I thought I was abandoned by everyone and cried during my critical stage. (Haha silly me but true). Sure this will definitely be a story to tell for my grand kids but the moral of this story? Up to you. This is definitely one of the high points of life on a plot graph because it made me understand and open my eyes to a lot. Basically I need to thank everyone, particularly the ones who visited me and messaged me with good will :) it means the world to me, changed my perception of some things and I honestly wish them well :) xxx to them or you know who you are